Thursday, March 10, 2011

keeping it real...


Being a mom is a hard job.
Before I became a mother I always wondered if I would be selfless enough, would I be able to be patient enough, would I have enough love...

There are days I know I should be more selfless.
I absolutely cannot fight or deny the fact that patience isn't my strongest gift.
But, I never ever could have imagined the pure LOVE that I have for my kids.

When they struggle, I struggle.
When they feel sad, I wish I could take that away and make them happy.
I wish I could give my daughters the ability to KNOW how loved they are by me...
If they had that ability they would never be jealous of their sister...
They would never feel like they were somehow not enough...
They would never for a moment question their place in this world, because they would know that wherever they are they are perfect just the way God made them.

Bella has been struggling lately. She's been acting out in ways that are unlike her. She bottles up her emotions and they come out in arguments, and yelling, screaming, gnashing, sniveling, horrible fits.

It breaks my heart, into like a million pieces that I can't seem to do anything to help ease whatever it is that she's feeling.

She's so jealous of her sister, and I'm not sure why...
I can't love Meritt less just to make Bella feel better, not even if I tried.
They are two separate people.
I wish they both knew the depths of my love, but I guess I'll just have to keep loving them each, in their own special way, each day for the rest of their lives and try to show them how much.

I wasn't expecting to be going through some of this stuff quite yet.
I thought the teenage years would bring these things, but not these sweet adolescence days.

I am left tonight feeling like I'm not sure I was enough today.
Yet, I'm not sure I could have given anymore.
Life isn't always perfect.
That's a lesson I want my kids to learn now.
I don't want to build a bubble around them, because... LIFE ISN'T ALWAYS PERFECT.

It's important to learn to be forgiving.
It's important to learn to ask for forgiveness.
It's important to learn how we treat others affects everyone around us.
It's important to learn about grace, like that of the grace that Jesus gives each of us everyday.

I'm learning that teaching life lessons isn't always easy, or perfect, nor does it come with a manual or rules.

Being a mom is HARD.

Good thing it's also wonderful most days.
There would be a whole lot of us giving our two week notices on days like I had today, because I don't think it's really a whole lot like we thought it would be when we signed up for the job.

I guess all that I, or you, or any of us can hope as we lay our heads down on our pillows and wait for a new day, is that we too will be forgiven, we will learn to ask for forgiveness, and that the Grace of the lord will renew us for the next day ahead.

This Mama is calling it a day!
Good-night all.


Krista said...

well said, we try our best and some days we just fall a bit short but the truth of the matter is we try so hard because we love so much and we-like they-need to learn from our mistakes, forgive others and be forgiven. There's no end date for that lesson though, it's a life long effort. Your girls know that you love them, they do, it's only too obvious to one that never met you. They see it, they feel it, they just may not be able to verbalize it or fully comprehend it.

Bella Rose said...

Thanks Krista for those kind words. You're so right! Somedays I just have to write it all out in order to sleep and see the next day! ;) Thanks for listening to me ramble!

Myya said...

Well said!!! I am still amazed at how well you can express so many of the feelings I have at times too.