the hardest visit yet...

Since, for some reason typing has become somehow therapeutic to me. I am going to use this blog once again, as a place to share something very personal. I have no idea why it is helpful to me somehow to see my thoughts typed out in words. But, somehow it is. So, here it goes...

I have always known that losing my grandma would be one of the hardest things I would ever have to do. Growing up somehow, I had convinced myself she would be around forever. When she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, I remember wishing that I would have spent more time with her, before the disease stole her from us. I had wished that I would have been less interested in teenage things, and more content spending time with her, as I had been when I was little, and life seemed simpler. I remember in that moment, of reflection, that I would use the rest of my time I had with her more wisely. I had no idea how difficult it would be to watch her slip away into her disease, and watch her personality alter. As difficult as that was, I still never let myself think about what it would be like to lose her totally.

I guess it was somehow naive of me to not prepare myself. Or human nature. Which ever way you slice it, the time is nearing, and I am not sure I know how to say goodbye.

I am not as tearful as I thought I would be...

Seeing her slipping in and out of consciousness today, made me aware that the time I have left with her is lessening everyday. My mind now wanders on all of the thoughts of does she know that I love her? I mean does she KNOW? Did I ever adequately thank her for all that she has been to me in my life? How does she remember me? Does she remember the selfish teenager I was when she was still her? Or does she remember the little girl that loved to play with her, and be in her presence? Or does she know me, on some level still, and know when she looks into my eyes that she is loved. Do words count now? Or are actions all that remain?

Peace is felt inside, when I know that she and I will meet again one day, and even if I can't tell her all the things I'd like to now, that maybe then I will get my chance. Death is such a hard thing... letting go is harder yet.

My prayer is that God will take her home in peace, without much pain or sorrow. I pray that she doesn't remember me as a selfish teenager, that didn't thank her, and lost my patience with her all the time. I pray that she does still know me somehow, when she looks into my eyes. I pray that in seeing those eyes looking at her, that she knows she's loved, even if I never say it again.

Before I left her bedside today, I kissed her cheek, and told her that I loved her, and she whispered back she loved me too...

Please keep her in your prayers. Pray she will not feel any pain when Jesus takes her home... Until that day, pray that I begin to prepare my heart to say goodbye, to one of the dearest people I have ever known. It may be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.