Wednesday, April 20, 2011

on my heart...

I haven't posted in a while.
Partly because in real life, I've been going through something, and my head and my heart are ALL over the place.
It's not easy for me to write when my head and heart aren't working well together, so I've taken a quiet break.

In a way I've been taking a quiet break from everything I can, just to be able to really focus on God's voice in my life. I need him desperately to guide my footsteps right now.

Last week, I had to say good-bye to a friend that I have loved in one way or another since I was 9 years old.

Saying goodbye has broken my heart.

Listening to God's voice isn't always the easiest thing to do - or to obey, but I choose to believe that listening is the best thing for all involved. With that said, it doesn't make it hurt or sting any less.

I pretty much feel like a failure.
I wanted to be a witness to my friend.
My goal was to show the light of Jesus, through the light he shines in me.
Maybe I did...
I pray that I did...
I suppose HIS plan will be made perfect in HIS timing!

Even typing out this post makes the tears well up in my eyes...
it's emotional.
I hate everything about the whole situation.
Last week, for about a day, I felt really pissed off at God.
Is that really horrible to admit?
I wanted to cry out - why did you let me fail at this???

Then, I was reminded that God never fails.
He has a perfect plan.
It is humans that fail.
It's our plans that are totally imperfect.

When we choose not to listen to the truth, that is failure.

This friend of mine and me... no one understands why we would possibly have ever become friends. Our lives are opposite. Our backgrounds couldn't be more different. Yet from the time I was in about the 4th grade, God was calling me to be a friend, and love this person....

Even though, I had to say goodbye.
I have to believe that God is still using me.
I pray someday my friend will be able to be my friend again.
In God's timing.
Not mine.

It's okay to love people just because God is calling you to.
It doesn't have to make sense.
It doesn't have to be popular.
It doesn't have to be self-serving.
It doesn't have to please anyone.
It doesn't have to be for any other reason than because God has called you to.

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything. ... 1 John 3:16-24

My heart will mend with God's grace and love working in my heart.
Someday all the pain and sorrow, all of the hardships we face here on earth they will be made perfect!

It's okay to open your heart.
Even if it means it will be broken.
Don't be afraid to feel.
Don't be afraid to love.
Don't be afraid to shine his light through your life.
These things I'm learning.....

Lessons never end, no matter how old we grow to be.


Amber Branconier said...

thank you for sharing what is on your heart. you are so right that God's timing is vastly different than our own.

I obviously don't know the whole situation but I'm sure that you will be able to look back on this and see God's hand through it all. And that is always so amazing.

Praying for you.

Nelly said...

You poor love It is so hard when you are grieving I do hope time will ease some of that heart sadness for you

Shelley said...

thank you for sharing. sometimes i wonder if i am the only one to go through this stuff. i had to say goodbye to many friends that i was very close to when i yielded my life to Him. there are days i miss them so much and wish our children could play together, but i know that it would not glorify God.